My Sweet Home

I think I have found a comfortable place for my life. A middle ground between growing up and staying young. I can keep my innocence and be strong at the same time, and that's what really matters. And as long as I have love, I can do it.

I'm beginning to realize that I have lost my childhood. I had to grow up and deal with the hardships of the world when I should have been able to enjoy life as a child. My mother was abused as a child, and as a result, her emotions are completely unstable. She was a single parent, and as the middle child of three children, I didn't receive the initial attention that my older brother received or the special attention that my younger sister received. The combination of being a middle child in a single parent household and trying to live a normal life with a bipolar mother meant that I had to grow up fast. I don't think I have any nostalgic childhood memories. My mother moved me from school to school, and I was overweight, which hurt my confidence, and these two things together kept me from interacting with other people my age.

So, I have missed the experience of a normal childhood. And now, I want it back. I'm sick of being the strong one all of the time, the person who can handle anything and not get upset. But is it too late for that? I'm in college now, and the rest of the world is starting to expect me to be the way that I've been for so long. Growing up fast has lead me to some amazing things, but I don't know if I can continue on like this anymore. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, and have a different childhood.

But maybe it's not too late. That's what I have to hope. Maybe it's possible to be an adult and still be innocent. Maybe growing up doesn't have to mean something opposite of being a child.

Morning Sunlight

So, how do we change our ways of thinking about the world? How do we learn to appreciate the sunny mornings and warm breezes, and truly be happy to be living? When do we stop waiting for circumstances to be the way we really want them to be, and start living in the present? How do you set a soundtrack to your life? I love playing rpgs. Chrono Trigger is one of my favorites. I can just feel the emotion of the characters and become a part of their lives. I can live an emotional life that I love. But, when it comes to real life, there's no bird's eye view, there's no music to fit the mood and set the tone. So, how do we make our lives more emotionally meaningful? Life is an adventure right? So, forget about where you are in life, politics, the state of the world, what you're supposed to do, who you think people think you are, or any of that, and realize that this is your time, and you have to make it what you want it to be in your own perception. I wish I could do that. Tomorrow I want to wake up and feel alive again, really alive. I want to reach out to other people and tell them how I really feel, and not get caught up in routine thinking again.

Spring turns to summer, which turns to fall and then winter. And, everything seems dead, but spring comes again.

Sometimes we just have to keep searching for the answer, even when nothing makes sense, and hold onto that foolish hope that things will turn out alright.

And one day those tears will start to come with laughter.

My Hope

So, I hid. I found comfort in hiding myself in a ball of covers in my bed. Sometimes letting yourself be sad and away from others can be very comforting. I listened to Ambient Generation, Aphex Twin, Brian Eno, Dead Can Dance, Enya, Gackt, Hungry Lucy, Lisa Gerrard, and This Mortal Coil. All the ambient stuff..

So, I was thinking, maybe it can go like this: You meet someone. You initially like them. You show them kindness and warmth, and get to know them better. You pay attention to see if your kindness is reciprocated. You fall in love. You spend more time together, and as you show more kindness, you become more aware of that person's feelings. There comes a point where it just naturally happens that both of you express your love. Then you try to act normally in front of that person. It doesn't work, and it feels weird, and you are scared of how to act now. So you hide. And you feel sad. You experience your insecurity. And, then?

I want to bring that person into the darkness with me, and wrap them in my blankets. As all is hidden still, I want to hold them, no words said, just this. And, when the time is right, they will say to me, "When we leave here, it's going to be ok. We can't embrace all the time, but I love you, and you don't have to worry about how to act. " From then on, we will show each other a sincere kindness, coupled with the comfort of knowing that I accept you, and you accept me. And who knows what's next..

To Be Alone's To Be Alive

So what happens after that first I Love You, after that first kiss? What do you say? How do you act when you see that someone afterwards when up to this moment you've been longing to tell them how you feel, longing to kiss them, and now they know, and it's been done, and they act the same as they did before, except without the anticipation? How can you stand to be around this person after saying I love you and not run away? How can you cope with the feeling dying? All of the sudden it's ok to kiss them, but you can't be in their arms all the time, can you? Am I the only one that wants to hide my face and run away? Why this feeling of joy combined with a very uncomfortable, dissonant, and confusing pain? I'm always chasing my idea of what love is, but am I chasing a false idea? Am I better off now, ignorantly searching, than I would be once I reach the end, and I'm disappointed? Am I going crazy?

Current music:From Autumn To Ashes - Delusions of Grandeur